Lost in the Jungle, Koh Rong Island, Cambodia.

Koh Rong, My Day Trip To Arguably the most beautiful beach in South East Asia.

Research: Some friends i'd met during my time here said it was mint, it looked amazing on google, google is my only god. A few articles id read including the huffingtonpost (lol) said this is the most Idyllic Island, for the perfect picture and one of the most beautiful islands on earth which everyone seems to chase. It reminded me of a less dangerous Jurassic Park from the above picture, probably a few snakes but shouldn't be eaten alive.

I searched around for the cheapest prices and tried to work out how much the speed ferry would be without using a 3rd party, corrupt travel shop. For around 5 minutes of my time.
I soon became lazy and just paid $5 to the middle man.

- At this point, I felt like Indiana Jones

7.00am: Arrive at the 3rd party corrupt congregation area, corruptions has it's pros and con's as a traveler and you will usually come out on top in Cambodia, so i let this one slide.

I’m not a morning person, so my breakfast quick: 3 Oreos, an M150 energy drink, probably the worst breakfast I've ever had and I’m ready to go.

A wild group of Chinese people appear, as groups of people go, a Chinese family or group of friends has got to be the most behaved, least intimidating race on the planet, vs. Brits abroad. Then again, don’t judge a china man by his physical stature only.

What felt like forever waiting for the fucking bus, it arrives 55 minutes late. Everything in south east Asia takes 5x longer than it should, conversations, travel etc. They are about as equally bad as drug dealers are with their time.

The journey there was beautiful, it started raining heavy though and i didn’t give a shit like everyone else. I figured i was going to get pretty wet today anyway with the rain looking like it’s here to stay.

The rest of the pirates sat in the non-viewing area of the boat, their seats protected from the rain. In front of me had 8 seats in 3 rows of 2 the whole boat dressed in grey plastic interior with plastic pull downs to stop splash back, and the rain.

This impaired all vision to most of the other pirates, but i was seeing cool-ass mini-mountains with lush green vegetation thrown all over them, thinking “haha fuck everyone else this is well worth being wet, and I’m British. No effect m8”

8.50Am:

Docked.

It was true, like everyone said; the sand was literally as white as white dog shit that I only saw in the 90s.

Anyway this sand was really 'clean' and felt untouched, almost like fresh snow to walk on.

All of the pirates were escorted by a short, obviously blue eyed and blonde haired Swedish man to a bar opposite the dock. He talked about how it was important to respect the Khmer people, who have lived on the island for many of years,i had full intentions to do so because Khmer people were so nice, even more friendlier than Thai's in my experience. Then the short swe began to pitch a sale about the prices of his bungalows and i stopped listening for a while.

"My name is Kye. If you need any information feel free to ask me anytime you like"

I was sat at the back of the herd and i watched kye to see if anyone was going to ask him any questions, i had a question.

Nobody did approach Kye, everyone disburse into different paths and it seemd like the weather had defeated them and they weren't here for the same reason i was.

So i asked...

"kye mate, where are the most beautiful beaches, and where is long beach?"

"NO" he said sternly, like an angry hobbit "you cannot go to long beach today my friend, the weather is too strong, this wind you see, it’s too heavy."

"I came here for Long beach, which direction, I’ll be fine."

I'd bought a return ticket for $12. The last trip back was 3.40pm. Otherwise i'd sleep with the backpackers and the chinese folk in a hut with no electric, which didn't bother me at all.

After this Kye said some more shit to me, i'd stopped listening again to what he was saying because I’d already figured out he wasn't giving me the directions i wanted.

“Ok thank you” 

And I just left the bar, with my Berghaus backpack, my half decent waterproof hiking jacket, a pair of £6 shorts from eBay, that had no draw string because the Thai launderette services can come with some surprise editions and losses to clothing. About 1,200ml of water, 7 Ores and a book 'The Wolf of Wall Street" A leaving present from a pal. I read a quarter of that book in 6 months, pathetic, now about 1/3 of the book im hoping will dry because i did intend to finish it.

I saw a local after a few meters of steep bright green grassy hill after, I started to make my way into which I guessed was the direction I should be heading. He had a real genuine, welcoming smile "Hello", i said to him "Long beach, Where?" He pointed in a direction without saying any words, almost in a creepy lethargic manner, for that part i guessed was East. Thinking about it now he probably didnt speak a word of English, but that thought never came into my mind, i was just happy im going in the right direction and fuck you Kye! im going to long beach you SWE FAG

After 20 minutes of what id call trekking (not old enough to do that yet, but if its what i did today then my body is ready.)

I carried on heading up the ‘path’ id found it was getting a little more challenging, a few rock to rock jumping as the Island began making me incline, i remember thinking that the average office chump would be having a tough time with his cardiovascular system about now. And thinking ‘ah, at least it will be easy coming down hill on the way back,’ i was walking up a sand/mud track now and the heavy rain meant i was walking up a shallow river, where puddles had accrued, they would have only been an inch or two deep and any vegetation at head or waist height, i just hit out of the way with my forearm protected by my cool latex hiker dude coat.

After about 15 minutes or so more, i'd gotten to a small circular man made open area where I could see the truth of the rain and it was what id give 7/10 on the heavy rain scale with mild wind. I walked slower and looked around to see if i could see anything, despite the rain it was lush green and looked the part, The grass was around 60cm high so some things were hard to see, but it looked like the land had been shaped for rice paddies as I moved further up.

I turned around, and fuck knows how i didn't see it from down there, it was tall, a tin shack on stilts and a voice "hello friend, what are you doing."

"shit man you scared me!"

Khmer people's English was shockingly impressive to me, they seemed to understand all accents, even my northern one which really is impressive for an Asian fella to grasp.

He laughs and says "You need to walk 1 hour this way, keep going". The tin shack had 4 open sides and a roof, all I could guessed it was used for was rain protection, but add a bit of wind, which there was and shampoo to that equation and you could have been watching a man fully clothed high on a mountain island having a shower, but honestly, that wouldn't surprise me here.

I set off into his pointed direction after 15 minutes or so, this was definitely what i'd begin to call jungle. The "path" began to get more narrow and more random plants that I’d never seen before kept hooking into my skin and my backpack and jacket, i stopped to examine one, it had a long pleasant green and nicely shaped leaf, on top it was smooth with subtle veins spreading to its edges. Underneath it had 3 vicious hooks, connected to one base, all the way down the spine of it, spaced apart, like a jacket Zip, evil mounted weapon heads you’d see Orcs using in Lord of the Rings, I’d watch out for these from now on.

After around 1 hour or so i guessed, of feeling pretty excited, i approached some rock faces, fairly steep, which i practically spider-manned, more jumps and climbs and i was smashing it, it was fun, I’d learn a little about which branches and platforms I could trust (some would just give way, even though they looked completely stable.) I was enjoying working out best jumps and steps to make just like a rock climber would. I stopped for a drink since I had strong lactic acid in my quads. I was carrying my water bottle in my mouth so I could use both hands (neat little handle on it) i took a drink and thought "woah I’m fucking tired, I need to chill." Still being cautious but feeling excited i give myself the old brain lesson and told me, 'take it slower and safer cos' we only got a few Oreos left.'

I had my iPhone in my backpack, I took it out and tried to take pics of cool shit I saw, but everything I owned was wet through, couldn't dry my hands to slide up the photo icon for the death of me, couldn't dry my hands on my t-shirt under my 'durable, waterproof, excellent rain coat', i couldn't have been more wet if the white man tied rocks to my limbs and through me off the plank of his ship. And even though i could see the time on my phone, i can’t remember any of it, because i didn’t give a shit, I was in the jungle and this is real fun. All I did know, I had to be back at the port at 3.40pm and id on been on the island 3 hours max?

"Lets get to this beach, take a few pictures if I can, explore for a few minutes and head back."

I'd changed my mind set now, and told myself that this is just going be an epic work out, i've been exercise shy whilst being in Asia apart from a few dangerous sea swims.

Id changed my thinking more positive now also because it was getting tough and I was having a few negative thoughts, id cut my knee pretty bad and an insane amount of plant species were now ripping into it making it a little worse.

After a few more spider-man moves it got very dense, spending 1 minute to move 1 meter, because i was kicking down the vegetation and trying to avoid these asshole plants that kept ripping into me like thicker and longer cat claws that were annoying to pull out, I wasn't having an amazing time anymore and i needed a new route, this was just painful.

I heard water, sick! I’m here, the trees and all this other crazy shit vegetation was still thick but i just headed for the sound of the water closer and closer i get, i can’t hear the waves, ah thats right, when i began to ignore kye, he told me "the waves are also too strong."

No sound of waves just crashing water, it didn't even click in my mind, but of course it was a waterfall, pretty neat and probably not going to attack me. Washed off my knee, washed my Nikes in a full waterfall wash at around 10c, no powders or liquids, this just natural shit no electric needed.

Waterfall looks cool and steep again I tried to take a picture but not a chance honestly.I could see that it was slippery, but the rocks were big, and most of them, in some spots had no Algi, i wish i could say that i just jumped down them, like i was boy off de' ting clearing rocks but not a chance, i slid down most of them on my back, that was my only option or concussion, or death, but that’s all it was, pure waterfall for what seemed forever, downhill and none stop after sometime of descending.

Follow the water O'd, It's going to lead to the sea, said brain.

The rocks were getting smaller, looser and the algi more prevalent, i moved off to the side and fought the vegetation, this bit was by far the most annoying and difficult, even if i had a Machete, i would be having more fun, but it would still be difficult.

Because this is a long ass read, i'll reward you with a picture i did get (i did get a few before i entered the jungle)

(imagine this in high season, Crystal clear water, crystal clear skies, snorkeling heaven, and this is just 1 of 28 beaches)

Still looks in good shape during a storm.

I got to the bottom of the waterfall now, by going down densely vegetated hills with so many evil plants, and now every single branch was shaped like a snake and i started to think about what kind of snakes and spiders lived here and would they be drowned out of their burrows, some branches at first glance, I was 100% sure it was a snake and i still believe i have 20/20 vision. Some of them were so curly they looked like they were man made. The variation of tree and bush i saw today was probably more than ive ever seen im my whole life.

After climbing down from the rocks and all of the thick medieval-style killing vegetation,

A shallow river formed at my feet, at the bottom of the waterfall. Moving forward, the river got deeper whilst maintaining it's clear water. I could see 2-4 inch fish, light grey in colour, swimming slowly around me, not afraid of my shin deep pins.

Then i looked back up from where I’d come from.

"holy fucking smokes"

I think this was the first time id spoken out loud to myself, or whoever else was listening.

When i looked up the rock face/mountain was huge, i just thought fuck it i will veer off right a little so on my way back i'd find smaller rocks to climb, that way the mountain can't be as steep forever since i had no chance at climbing back up these ones.

I was veering, but i was still heading down the hill for the beach, and by this time I’d already been walking through the shin deep water with the grey fish, now i was seeing parts which were black at the bottoms of the clear river, thankfully i just kept telling myself its a collection of dead leaves keep going, no water snakes or crocodiles to see here.

Again the vegetation started narrowing and my only choice was down the river, the river now looked at least knee deep some bits shallower, some deeper,  i stopped and managed to perch on a bit of soil with a nice young tree, which had excellent girth to support myself on (no homo). I should have pulled him out of the ground thinking about it, a bit of mental motivation from acting Gandalf could have been useful.

My options at this point were to go through the deeper water and the river flowing fairly fast, not knowing how deep it was or what kind of weird arachnids, fish or reptiles live in or around the rivers edge. 

Or, I come all this fucking way to go back without seeing the beach.

Then i thought, 'what stupid cunt would come and do what you're doing anyway?'

When you're clothes get so wet, and your so dirty you don't know what race you are anymore, they'res mud everywhere and you feel like a caveman, you really stopped giving a shit about anything. Its the most exact opposite feeling to getting a black mark on your new, white trainers, and it feels so much more pleasant.

And i was then i thought about the whole population of England and now many people, at this moment in time would pass out lost on an Island off Cambodia, in the gulf of Thailand and probably die here.

After thinking with Gandalf a little bit more, as all good conclusions do i thought ..Fuck it.

I jumped straight into the river and it was about chest height in depth. I'm 5'11.

Only but then I remembered my iphone in my backpack more than likely swimming at the bottom in my ‘waterproof’ bergaus bag, again that thought resulted in ‘I don’t give a shit, get me out this horrible river,’ after pushing through the river it started to get more and more shallow after around 20m of pushing, ducking under low hanging snake branches, finally a space opened, Thank Buddha. That guy really has saved me a few times out here.

I got on to a reasonably bit of supportive dirt/embankment, after climbing out, I looked up and all I could see was tree, I looked everywhere and all I could see was tree, rock and a deep river.

At this point i said to myself "What the fuck are you doing?”

But i got that feeling again for 1 more push, i tried to think logically, i got out of the water and found a place where i thought i could see most open space. I could see trees. Thats it dense vegetation containing my enemy 360 degrees 365 days a year. I was demoralized and beaten.

I'd given up.

Justifying that this is low season, the weather is worse than a week in England, and ive just ran through a fucking river.

I turned around and headed back up to the peak at about a 50 degree incline because id long stopped giving a fuck about my clothes or any of my possessions and was starting to really appreciate the thought of my hotel room, i was just kicking the dickhead head plants out of my way and trying to take it reasonably steady paced up this jungle asshole mountain.

Because I’d veered off, i come to a completely different set of wall rock that id initially scurried down, some of these rocks where huge, and bigger than a house, mostly smooth with no crevis' not that i would try that shit, i guess you have learned that i am no rock climber after all.

But at that point i just laughed and thought "I'll just wait here, they can come get me i got oreos left"

Then "how embarrassing would it be, the kid who got lost on the island who thought he was Indiana Jones and Kye stood over me asking "what did i tell you?"

Drank my last bit of water and started climbing what i thought was the best route, firstly i grabbed a tree, a tree i couldn't fit my hand fully around, but just enough to get a strong grip on, it collapsed in half with the strength of a wet bread stick and I thought it looked so sturdy.

The snake looking branches were my best option, seriously they looked so much like viper snakes, diverse in colours and deceptively a similar size.

Not only that, the sandy bits in-between the rocks had large holes, obviously snake habitat i would have loved to have taken pictures for mum, some of the snake looking branches were loose, but others had grown into the small cracks between the rocks and were strong and reliable, i used those to assist me, not trusting them wholly to help me make my way up the rocks, i was more in my comfort zone climbing rocks than going through rivers and thick, aggressive vegetation.

I climbed that rock successfully, im on top now and I’ve just got to get through the barbed wire again, the vegetation, it was effective to walk in diagonals rather than one straight line, i was covering more distance, after what id guess was 2 hours of climbing back up to the top, i finally thought id found my way back after seeing what i guess was man made tracks, there were horizontal pieces of wood about every 5 meters, not exactly organized but a south east asian footpath, yes. This was the logic i followed which had me lost in the first place. I followed them for a little while, since this was my only option

The rain was so heavy now it had washed away any foot prints and i remember nothing about my way up here because vegetation always looked like vegetation.

After pushing through all of that shit, id finally found something good here.

After what id call a cool down after a Triathlon, i had a really pleasant hike back, just reflecting on what i did and what kind of a stupid bastard I was.

This steadier walk back was around 1 hour long.

When i first heard voices, im not being dramatic or cliche' it was really nice. I climbed down and remember seeing a blue plastic part that was part of the fresh water system and i appreciated it, a bit of plastic, in the mud.

I walked into the main beach area and all the stoned hippy lads were just laughing at me, i could have imagined how it was funny to see me so fucked up, so i laughed at that part. I was hungry and i wanted to get the 12 o'clock ferry back to my hotel room, eat a pizza, shower then sleep,

Pulling out my wet phone, it had survived and the inners of my back pack were surprisingly dry.

3.28pm it was, I had been in the jungle for over 7 hours.

Definitely a top day in the day:fun ratio rating.

I'll be back in high season.

For more pictures Google: Koh rong Cambodia, beaches and jungles. Long beach